Block stump(ed) stupid.
Thursday, March 27, 2003
One Time, I Was in the Third Grade
And I was a really bad kid then. I don't know what it was about the third grade. maybe it was the teacher. Mrs... damn. not there.
Remeber she had a weird beehive type hairdo though, and it was blue.
She was older and a bit of a pushover. we walked all over her, and i was a total cut-up and trouble maker. always had my desk in the corner facing away; like that ever worked.
One time i was pulling a fast one. a good prank really. i decided to hide from the teacher, and wait until she noticed i was missing.
The catch of course was that my plan was to hide literally under her nose. well, not literally, but right in front of her. so i did. i hid
in front of her desk, right there in front of the class but out of sight of her. it was really brilliant, she never would have seen me.
Then someone narc'd. "Nick's under you desk."
What happened then is etched in memory. the teacher pulls back in her chair like a bolt of electricty had struck her. i can still hear the bark of her chair sliding across those big square tiles.
And at that moment i saw what was going through her head with perfect clarity.
She believed i was down there trying to look up her skirt.
And I swear to god I wasn't. i was just pulling one of the better pranks of my time, in third grader terms anyway.
Wednesday, March 26, 2003
If I Had a Son, I Would Name Him the "Prince of Darkness"
Thank God for the Death of the United Nations
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Thursday, March 20, 2003
[I Have Something To Tell You About The Cat]
So, i have been sick. went home yesterday from work early.
Rented some movies, took a nap. it got dark.
I got up to use the toilet, felt the cool breeze from the open window. standing, pissing.
The neighbors cat appears at the open window, as she often does. i don't think much of it. i'm half out of it anyway.
Kitty meows. and starts to jump down into the tub as she always does.
Not this time. this time she pulls some weird mid-air maneuver and, instead of dropping straight
down, she actually changes direction mid-plunge and makes for the opposite side of the toilet.
The one that i am pissing into.
She makes it. lands deftly on the opposite side of the bowl and sprints into the apartment. right through my stream of piss.
I just pissed on the cat. never in my life have i pissed on an animal.
Christ, now she's running around my apartment rubbing up against everything.
What do you do with a cat you just pissed on? clean her? yeah, she'll love that. chase her out of your apartment, back to the neighbors?
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
At first, I thought "how charming and funny" and then i realized quickly the liability.
Like when one of your closest friends has a gambling problem that can only be defended by two little words: "I won."
But we can talk about that later.
Making Blogs searchable is what i'm talkin bout. at first innocent and fun, right? when is searching for Redneck pictures and finding my blog (returned No. 1 proudly), when oh when, is that NOT funny?
But then there is the Peanut! issue. Peanut! brought up a very important point (see bottom of page) several weeks ago. and i admit i did not heed the warning...
Tuesday, March 18, 2003
[TO: All employees
FROM: Internal Communication]
In light of President Bush’s announcement last night about the imminent threat of war with Iraq and the nation’s heightened safety alert, we are sensitive to the fact that many of our employees may not want to travel on business. Alternative suggestions are video and telephone conferencing. More information is available through WorldCom Conferencing at 866-456-XXXX
As a reminder, "Name of the Company I Work For" provides an Employee Emergency Information Line (800-277-XXXX) for any updates about events that may affect business operations and employee work schedules.
Updates about situations that may affect "Cute-Co-Name" operations will be provided through e-mail, Wiz-mail and in "Cute-Co-Name".net e-stories.
"Name of the Company I Work For" l takes the safety of its employees and customers seriously and has systems and procedures in place to address unexpected situations. As always, if you have a workplace emergency, call SOS at 888-497-XXXX. In a personal situation, always call 911 first.
We will have further updates as world events dictate.
Wednesday, March 12, 2003
[To Those I Have Never Met, Some Advice...]
First let me offer some congratulatory words on the new member of your family, and please post some pictures as soon as you can.
I am somewhat disappointed, however, that i was not consulted when it came to choosing a name. Maddie, is of couse a lovely name, but I would have recommended the time honored and true Scooter. A name of royalty. Perhaps it could be a nickname...? Maybe Madd-Scooter?
Cool, right?
That is a lovely dress you are about to wear. I assume you get to purchase your own matching shoes as well? I scoured the internet to come up with some advice and only found this: If you're a lesbian, remember, no matter what, do not agree to be a bridesmaid. take that for what it's worth.
You know, when i really think about it Ted should have you as his best "man" right? Dear sis! bestest of friends? I think you could make the demand and that way you get out of wearing the SFO910.
Men can rent wedding attire, why can't women ? You know, you can rent a tux for like $50, even less if you are stuck out in some place like Indiana.
How do they get these women to buy $300 dresses that you can only wear once?
Some really good stuff on the web; like this one:
In history, the bridesmaid would protect the bride against evil by wearing similar clothing to the bride's attire. This would confuse any "evil spirit" as to who the bride was.
So that should make the whole thing a little easier to swallow. you are there for protection. be ready.
Thursday, March 06, 2003
[Discover Great Singles Near You!]
Anderson, IN...
More about her:
I'm a journalism student with a semseter left to go. I work in a grocery store. I write in my spare time. I'm knitting an afghan (a blue, red, orange and yellow one).
My favorite movies are the slapstick comedies from the '80s.
I've started writing novels but haven't been able to finish any of them.
I'm NOT interested in a sexual relationship.
I plan to wait until I get married before I have sex.
I won't lie. I'm not good with relationships, at least not the way people think I should be.
I haven't dated much.
Maybe my standards are too high.
I have trouble letting people get close to me.
I've been hurt before and am probably more guarded than I should be.
I need lots of time to get to know somebody before I'll open my heart.
In this day and age it's just not safe to be any other way.
My relationship with God is very important to me.
I love God and want to serve Him to the best of my ability. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't feel the same way about Jesus Christ that I do--the Son of God who gave his life for our sins and rose from the dead three days later.
I'd rather meet someone as a result of my day-to-day activities than on the Internet.
With people online, there's always a chance they could be lying about themselves or play those sick little cyber sex games.
This sort of thing is NOT my bag, baby.
Editors Note: The original posting was all one paragraph, i have selectively used the "Enter" key for readability
Wednesday, March 05, 2003
Keep your shirt on!
For those with no patience:
Swimming fully clothed is a major new trend sport. Get fit in wet clothing. Enjoy wet clothes photos, chat and forums.
Monday, March 03, 2003
[Long Time Big Sleep]
It's monday and you are pissed.
The caffeine you ate only heightens the pre-smoke anxiety.
You can't run away.
So Great White burns the house down.
One of their band members dies in the blaze (31yo Ty Longley). They put the guy in the ground, the band does not
attend.
I spent about half an hour trying to uncover this story on the web:
None of the four surviving band members attended today's service.
Now what is that all about? and why does NONE of the news media pick up on this? a guy in your band *dies* and you don't go to the funeral? who do you think you are the *sex pistols*...malcom?
No story there, huh? just this:
"His heart was as big as his hair."
