[I am a Special Person]

So i have decided to change a little bit, the job strategy. hunt that is. i am unemployed and very half assedly looking for a new job.

I have trolled through all these really boring looking jobs posts, even interviewed for a soul-sucking POS. and now i have changed the search parameters.

Instead of searching for my previous "job title" i am now searching for the words SPECIAL PERSON.

You would be amazed at a couple of things. first is how many job postings contain the phrase SPECIAL PERSON. in my local on-line wonderland there are 137 job postings containing the phrase. cool huh? the other interesting thing is that it seems that most of the really shitty, underpaid or free jobs require that SPECIAL PERSON.


Let's take a look that what kind of jobs await me, that SPECIAL PERSON!

Inside Sales $72,000-$150,000 first year!!
Hey, they even say it's not a pyramid scheme! must not be then! uh, anyone ever see that movie Boiler Room? ok, what else...

Caretaker for disabled man in 50's
This is more what i would expect to see. some nice person to run errands and clean up after those unfortunate little accidents and what not. but at the end of the ad, of course: Femail preferred. yep, hey, and why not wear this special little outfit i got here too!

Come Turbo Charge our Engine!!!
Now, this one wins my personal prize for best headline. it sounds kinda fun-sexy-cool! if the job were to really turbocharge (oneword) and engine it would be a righteous-fun job, no? course not. it's for a "loan processing" job and I quote "This position is the perfect job for nosy busybody types in this industry." well, whatever the industry, i'll think i'll get my nitro-blown funny-car kicks elsewheres.

FIRE PREVENTION OFFICER
Now here is a great one! how can you go wrong with that? let's face it. the type of job you do is pretty much based on how you feel about expressing it to others. because that does not make sense, let me give you an illustration. when you be at a cocktail party and some fine young thing happens to be reaching into the fridge at the same time and you strike up a conversation, you want to have power and authority that comes from the confidence of being proud of what you do. say this out lound while you imagine your fine young thing. "Yeah, really! I'm a Fire Prevention Officer. I prevent fires....but I know how to start them too, if you know what i'm saying...."

Research Assistant for the Gorilla Foundation / Koko.org
Yes, that's right folks. it takes a SPECIAL PERSON to work with gorillas right? i would do this job in a heartbeat if it weren't for the knowlege of american sign language part. too bad it's not "must be willing to wrestle gorillas" man i would be the guy! man! that would be great (see illustration above re: cocktail party)

And when i search for my own name i get this:
I Need an Ex-Wife
I need someone with the following skills: Organization, house management, bill paying, organizing a complicated life, laundry, scheduling appointments, organizing a house, skilled in grocery shopping, closet and garage organization, gift wrapping, etc. That is, all the skills it tkes to run a house (and quite frankly get mine back in order!). Pay commenserate with experience. Thanks for your help! (925) 708-2267. Nick.
sigh.



- posted by Turok @ 3:40 PM

 
A big HUGE shout out and Congratulations to our very own ROBO-MONKEY for going through her graduation this weekend.

You're the best! don't worry about the diss, it will practically finish itself, trust me!



- posted by Turok @ 10:09 AM

 
[There was something else i was going to tell you...]

First I will answer a question: why quit boozing for a month?
Answer: path of self improvement.

What I learnt in that time: booze is bad for you in many ways. besides the tons of extra calories it provides (main motivation) it pretty radically changes your social interactions which can lead to kind of weird things. like people in your life that you mostly interact with in a non-sober way. boozing makes things more confused sometimes. and right now I feel confused, so...

The good news is that someone (a close and old friend (you bastard!)) recently accused me of haveing (and I quote) "that ADD H D, what's it called" (*and* referred to it as this *every* time!)

Fast forward a couple of months, and i say, okay let's see about this. so i find one of these online tests, which could be straight from Cosmo (what kind of lover are *you*?) but anyway i get through it.

Let me first ask you if this makes sense. in order to do this on-line self-diagnosis i had to take 2 separate tests that were each 100 questions long.

Let me repeat that. I had to answer 200 questions to get a self diagnosis of ADD. on two seperate tests.

I was truly surprised that there was not some javascript bos availble that just said click here if you are thinking "oh fuck it! this is too long!"

I mean, christ, I *know* I have ADD, that's why I'm here right? ADD people can get through a test like this! christ!
In the middle of this I did like three different things, made coffee, cleaned the toilet, and something else. i forget. fuck.

Oh, so the results say
"ADD Inattentive Type -- High probability"
"Limbic System Hyperactivity -- High probablility".
Oh, it also says it's a good idea to have a close person take the test for you and compare the results. so go for it!

The Inattentive Type: Very responsive to stimulants. (cools!) Here's a weird bit, the author of this says that "nutritional intervention can be especially helpful" with a "high protein, low carbohydrate diet that is relatively low in fat" and check this out! When Mike and I decided to "GO ATKINS!" I found that my mood really evened out and that I felt much more awake in the morning (as apposed to the normal, cranky, where's my coffee). my research supports the thesis.

Fuck, okay, see? i was right. i was about to write all about the other one, some stuff on the limbic system but the middle D is taking over and you'll have to read it for yourself.

There was something else i was going to tell you...
Oh yeah! Ray Charles is dead at 73. Noam Chomsky is 73. get it while you can.
- posted by Turok @ 3:20 PM

 
Well, okay pedro, it *has* been a long time. well, you know i quit the booze for a month and well, without it, i'm not much you know? that and the fact that i was totally suicidally depressed for thirty some odd days, and did you really want to hear all all about that? no. i thought not.

By the way, more on TRON.
which i think looks way better all capitalized (and not just by those video games)

TRON (something to be feared) was a pretty mediocre movie put out by Disney. oh, speaking of mediocre (a disgusting vegetable) read this review by the big-fat-what-kind-of-surgery-did-you-undergo-anyway Roger Ebert

Tron

By Roger Ebert, 4.0 stars out of 4


The interior of a computer is a fine and private place, but none, I fear, do there embrace, except in TRON, a dazzling movie from Walt Disney in which computers have been used to make themselves romantic and glamorous. Here’s a technological sound-and-light show that is sensational and brainy, stylish, and fun.

What? this guy is a famous movie critic? read that first sentence. what is he doing there? bustin' out a little rhyme? "...but none, I fear, do there embrace..." really, Roge. what were you trying to do there? wow us with a little flowery shakespearian run-on?

You coulda just said that the movie rocked in it's really weird way.

100 5mm cannons are about to go off for Reagan. I hate being topical like this, but could we have found something more appropriate, like launching a first strike on some one(s)?
- posted by Turok @ 3:24 PM

 
Reagan became president in 1981.
Tron came out in 1981.

I just watched Tron on DVD.
- posted by Turok @ 3:58 PM